…today is still not that day.
Needless to say. it’s been a stretch to figure out the real trigger for the June trauma-versary of my WBG HQ last day at work.
Detective Logs
Status: Work finding
Client: My traumatized brain
Clues by Symptoms: 3 PTSD (diagnosed) trauma-versaries
TRAUMA-VERSARIES #2 and #1: The October/November trauma-versary was well-documented in my formal complaints against the attack in my office the year before. We’ve always known this one and can manage triggers. However, this continues a cycle that started building from the March/April trauma-versary from racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, classist incidents the year before at WBG meetings, gatherings, and even farewell events.
A new memory unlocked:
A farewell and welcome for two senior upper management officers. Someone overheard the diversity lead (my onboarding shield apparently) introducing me to a small group. They were nice, flattering and careful… When that description came to mind, I realize now what they were doing…They were rattling off my profound impressive background and high level experiences to counter the assumption that I was
*drum role* undeserving and unqualified.
The diversity candidate *gasp*.
Clueless me was charming, and engaging… great sense of humour and calm confidence (my usual self).
I quickly won over the crowd and moved onto the next one. This time we were interrupted by someone declaring very loudly…so to draw everyone’s attention:
“Oh, so you are the new hire from the islands?! You must be exceptional, intelligent, or really well connected.” The slow gimmicky treatment of the word “islands” told me of all she really thought.
I knew the angle she was going at…so I made an incredulous joke that decidedly DID NOT rattle off my profound impressive background and high level experiences that made me deserving, and qualified.
Diversity is good, it is brilliant to be a benefactor of policies put in place to get people like me a voice. Inclusion is an action word…not a theoretical exercise. So that was never the insult they thought it meant. The real insult was that instead of shame and change, they quickly turned to jealousy and violence.
TRAUMA-VERSARY #3: The reason for the trauma-versary at this time of year May/June is completely overrun by uncertainty, evidence of brain damage, and blocked memories. What is on the record is that I blacked out and woke up to a horrific abuse. My nightmares are filled with me looking up, trying to draw for my weapon to stab at her…I knew I was prepared to defend myself, but I was incapacitated.
Someone found me on the ground, a group of co-workers got me up, handed me water and sent me home ordering a car. No emergency medical aid was provided. It was never reported. As elusive details fill in, my recollection flows back to me. Memories everyone was relying on me to doubt. I’m seeking information from the WBG and their third party Insurers, Broadspire (a subsidiary of Crawford), all the contemporaneous reports are mysteriously not there and unavailable from my files. My case was closed, without notice or reasons given. Only they know the complete truth. Only they could have highlighted the obvious liabilities and encouraged their client to take countermeasures. It’s just business – capitalism – so I don’t take it personally…well, I didn’t.
What happened and continues to happen, has such a disabling effect on me so profoundly I want to move on from this world. I told my loved ones my intentions, so they won’t be shocked when I apply for state permission to do so.
I dreamed for this job…
…took out students’ loans and made family decisions for this job…
…I sacrificed months without my child for this job…
…I have lost my will, my sense of safety, my mind because of this job.
Was I ever even happy there??
Rehashing is so much easier compared to the nightmares for not knowing.
Detective Notes Summary: Suspected date/s of traumatizing life altering injury remains UNDEFINED
Colour in International Development 