I have been failing at life...failure to me is letting others beat me down so badly that I have lost the will to live. Death is not the worst that can happen. I no longer have my zest, my joy or my hopefulness. Instead I have anxiety attacks, heart palpitations and constant despair. My mind … Continue reading Living through:”What’s the worst that can happen?”
They won’t let me die
Someone said "at least you're still here, you've not given up". My response (I keep in my head of course) it's not due to lack of trying. They wont let me die, but they surely won't support me to live. Nothing I do makes a difference, improves things, or gives me a chance to live. … Continue reading They won’t let me die
At a loss for words…and meaning
The confusion that I feel is real. My family and friends share in my uncertainties and reassure me that I’m doing the right things. I’m being honest and transparent, but since I always am, I wonder if it has any meaning? Then I decide to believe them, and accept it is complicated. But it came … Continue reading At a loss for words…and meaning
Discovering the activation of my trauma dissociation
Hospitals have a specific smell...I would know, I've been to quite a few all over the world due to a genetic condition that can disable me without warning or explanation. Apparently, I was 5 years old when I had an altercation with a mirror that resulted in a trip to the Emergency Room, lots of … Continue reading Discovering the activation of my trauma dissociation
Memories of an Intersectional mind (Part II)?
Message from my 5 year old self continues... My weapon of choice now is the pen..and the knife...but in my childhood, it was actually the sword. My shorts were designed by my dad, and sewn by my mom to fit perfectly, tailored to my need for freedom. There was nothing better than climbing trees, playing … Continue reading Memories of an Intersectional mind (Part II)?
A moment in time, a shovel of dirt (II)
…today is still not that day. Needless to say. it's been a stretch to figure out the real trigger for the June trauma-versary of my WBG HQ last day at work. Detective Logs Status: Work finding Client: My traumatized brain Clues by Symptoms: 3 PTSD (diagnosed) trauma-versaries TRAUMA-VERSARIES #2 and #1: The October/November trauma-versary was … Continue reading A moment in time, a shovel of dirt (II)
Adulting 101 Fail – paying credit card interest (for the first time)
(delayed publication bc well, I'm in pain) I've had a credit card since I was a teenager. My dad was big on financial literacy and was really good at money management...His mantra included such gems as "live below your means" and "never make the bank make more money off you". Very early on - maybe … Continue reading Adulting 101 Fail – paying credit card interest (for the first time)
Memories of an Intersectional mind (Part I)
(delayed publication due to denial...and excessive "use of fuck you" but then I decide to say it all) I am but a shadow of myself trying to peer through... What if I am actually just not real? Maybe I don't exist? Maybe I shouldn't exist? Maybe I will not exist? It's hard to tell how … Continue reading Memories of an Intersectional mind (Part I)
A moment in time, a shovel of dirt
There are two trauma boxes hiding in the back of my closet. Hidden beneath the need to function - I am now only just glimpsing blurry memories of the reasons they make me cry. I refuse to look in them...I'm not even sure what's in there bursting to reveal incoherent tales of submerged details. But … Continue reading A moment in time, a shovel of dirt
Scary office furniture and supplies
I was once afraid of everyday office supplies, office desks, ergonomic office chairs, black laptops, and photocopying machines...with closed doors were torture tools. Seeing a filing cabinet was particularly painful. Wooden shelvings were essentially torment. Recycling bins for shredding confidential documents were haunting sirens. Stacks of printer paper made me hyperventilate. I would hesitate going … Continue reading Scary office furniture and supplies
Functioning, but still trapped
I am acutely aware of my insignificance. It is clear that I matter not in a well established racist and sexist system that is stacked firmly against me. This makes me even more determined to kick and scream and shout even louder for my demands to be heard. I demand humane treatment; I demand an … Continue reading Functioning, but still trapped
The scariest place to me is an office
There's something that's just not right. We are not supposed to be terrified at work. No matter the field we are in. No matter the gender or skin we display. No matter what we believe, disbelieve, hope or dream. Even before the pandemic, I was terrified. My nightmares are set in places of power...What do … Continue reading The scariest place to me is an office
I hide
I hide the brokenness of my mind.
Triple standards
I get criticized for things that others are praised for. It saddens me to realize it's often just a simple matter of very large biases. Having learned about life in blocks of time, the truth has built on recent experiences. The boxes I tick are too many to list off and as the year comes … Continue reading Triple standards
An aberration
I’m beginning to understand that my existence is by virtue of the grace of others in their privileged spaces. I merely represent a hassle, a bother and an aberration. It is said that I am ungrateful - as I strive to thrive, forgetting that I should just contend with surviving. So many times I’m told … Continue reading An aberration
I have the freedom but not the luxury to…
Life...So many thoughts go through our heads as we ponder what our future may hold. So many of us are writing out loud, screaming our distress and labeling our terror. There's no place for indifference to hide anymore. If you're not enraged, then you're simply not paying attention. My truth - I aspire to write … Continue reading I have the freedom but not the luxury to…
Are you a Size Queen?
Being small isn't what bothers me. I was born on a small island, within a small Caribbean region. By no coincidence, my professional expertise is in small states and it's an obsession for me. As we see our coastlines disappear while larger countries argue about the realness of climate change, I ponder. What will it … Continue reading Are you a Size Queen?
Movies Translation
There's an obsessive repetitiveness to the thoughts I put on paper...aka. my writing... It's as if I'm learning a new language that demands mastery through repetition. I'm self-taught and thus inefficiently so. I don't understand the evil that drives the prejudice. I'm not familiar with the culture, the coding, the innuendos or the secrets withheld. … Continue reading Movies Translation
“Justice” or “Just Us”
I was obsessed with my professional self. My work was meaningful to me. Not because of the employment of it but because of the understanding and the access to cultures, travel and other ways of life. In every job I held, I sought things out for the learning. This is how I made sense of … Continue reading “Justice” or “Just Us”
System knock out
I have been so beaten down.
Colour in International Development 