Sorry

Sorry I couldn’t write. I don’t even journal as often as I should, now I don’t have back up pieces to make up for the missing weeks.

I had another breakdown…lost my vision again. And this time there was no one around me to help. I was alone, so alone.

[Inserted edit – that’s actually not true. I’m not alone, I just feel that way. I’ve created a wonderful village here of friends who care and love me…I have family that care and love me…I found a great network of fellow black woman who’ve survived this space – I know I can ask for help. I’m just too afraid, ashamed and sad to let them see me this way.]

It’s the anniversary of the worst that has happened to me. I involuntarily relived each trauma and it lasted 4 weeks…feeling the mistreatment like I wasn’t human; going through the abuse and harassment daily; fearing that I’ll never be intellectually high performing again; believing that it was all my fault and I should have done more; I cry at interviews and dread ever working in an office again.

It didn’t help that I also was preparing instructions to my Attorneys…because you know, deadlines.

I’m in some serious amount of pain, doctors say it’s probably a major organ.

[Inserted edit – I’m resisting going to the ER because I want my day in Court. But I’m told by my pre-teen son that that’s irrational…so I guess I’ll be going in a bit.]

Does denial change anything? Does resistance make any trauma different? If I forget it, does it mean it never happened? I don’t know what it is about my mental state why I don’t want to see my reality. But some times I really do think that a final end would be a relief.

I won’t be writing much more.

Thanks for your compassion.

[Update – went to the ER, next follow-up with doctors (all 6-9 of them…sigh). Things will be OK, I’ll be back to myself soon, I’m getting there].