Too many pandemics to process

To mourn the losses we’ve suffered for 2020 is too much for me…I can’t fathom the human suffering, I can’t find the steady reasons for gratitude and I can’t process what’s happened to the collective this year.

Why? – Because it’s not over.

To be alive is to be a part of things we can never control. To be human is to have a shared basic commonality. To be yourself is to be a gift to the universal collective.

However, as human beings, we’ve been acting against our spiritual oneness. Thus, we are in the moments we are in and there’s so much that led up to this. I’m still processing it all, and I can’t confess to being hopeful, given the past 5 years I’ve had. Going through it, my silence caused me more violence than anything else. The fact that it was acceptable to so many and the systems perpetuated the entitlement of predators, hurt to the core. There’s nothing I understood about the illogical nature of such hatred imposed by sexism, misogyny, racism, xenophobia, global elitist inequality, and othering.

Yes – Silence is Violence.

Since being exposed to the ugliness of the sickness that’s created the unjust society which has exploded into the multiple pandemics we are now facing, something has died in me.

Racial trauma has left a scar I don’t know how to face. Sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace have left wounds I can’t heal. These experiences have deprived me of years of my life, good health, financial wealth and over 5,000 hours of sleep. I have no way of effectively altering my nightmares of reliving memories. The one thing I have control over is how to share my story.

Thankfully – By doing so I’ve met many Sheroes who have guided my way to “the other side.”

I’ve written so much about my decision to leave the development space once I chose to fight against the discrimination inherent to the protections embedded in the perverse system. It dulls the pain just enough for the next thought to develop. – And that’s all I have right now to start over….a chain of thoughts that need to birth ideas and grow into action.

All this with the backdrop of a world awakening to pierce the veil of our reality.

As the privileged, oblivious and willfully ignorant are suddenly shocked into the horrors of our daily existence. They can’t even handle a year of our whole lives. The loss of lives weighs heavily. People need not die for the right to be treated as people. Women need not suffer just to lead the rebellion.

For this I now understand, how it all matters.